theome

So as usual, it's been a very long time since I've written in here. I always intend to write more in my LiveJournal, but of course I never get around to it. There was one main thing that baja_hyena said to me online today, and that was to get over one's confidence issues, one must "start with making peace with who you are and your imperfections". I have some major self-confidence issues. Anyone who's known me for even a modicum of time has noticed this. Getting over these issues has always been a struggle for me, but I'd say I've come a long way from where I was back in 2003 when I first came to Ohio State University. Since then, I've developed a more complex sense of social anxiety, but that's not the purpose of this entry.

There were two physically noticible imperfections I observed in myself today. The first of which is that I'm still a compulsive nail biter. As far as I can remember, I've bitten my nails. I know it's a very dirty habit and it's unattractive, but I can't help it. It's something I do, even when I've made conscious efforts to stop it. I've tried using that spicy nail-polish that you're supposed to put on for it and all that stuff. Didn't work. Doesn't help that I like spicy things either, does it?

The other imperfection that I've noticed is that I think I have a speech impediment. When I'm excited or talking fast, I have a really bad habit of omitting necessary context words, stumbling on my words and repeating myself, or just weird and awkward hesitations. Sometimes, it feels like my brain is moving much faster than my mouth (which, I know that technically it is) and that my mouth is playing catch up. I especially noticed it tonight while hanging out with anivair. I stuttered a couple times. I tripped on words. Fortunately, we were at The Guardtower, a gaming store, where social impediments are rather common.

These are two small steps in the direction of the never ending task of making peace with who and what I am.